I live with anxiety. Anxiety and panic are quiet companions that accompany me through life, always there to twist my guts with dread. You might not know it, if you knew me. I am often happy, optimistic and good natured. I try to see the good in demons, while I can rarely see past the flaws in my own character to the good inside myself. Anxiety has held me back for most of my adult life, fear of failure leading to procrastination, lack of confidence mistaken for lack of ability. There are often times when I cannot answer the telephone at home because I am too anxious about what might be at the other side. I force myself to answer the telephone at work but inside my guts are churning as I greet the person at the other side of the line. I live with anxiety, I work with anxiety and I parent with anxiety, desperately trying to mask this constant fear and make normal, healthy, confident children.
My children are confident and rarely bothered by the judgement of others outside of their friends. I am astonished by this and often deeply ashamed that I am so concerned by the thoughts of strangers on my parenting skills, my children's behaviour, my choices. I tell them to behave themselves appropriately when we are out, while secretly I wish that I didn't care when they behave like normal children, a little noisy, sometimes a little annoying, always looking for the fun to be had. My children are, thankfully the opposite of me.
I am a nurse and I have worked within research, within the acute setting and with children and families. In my professional role I am a swan, I play the part of a confident professional, swallowing the anxiety down within me. When I am alone, I panic. I second guess myself despite my competence. I am consumed with what ifs, what if I have made the wrong decision? What if that wasn't the right thing to do? What if I am not good enough or my knowledge is incomplete? The smallest decision can cause me sleepless nights, hours of panic. I wonder if I am cut out for this, but I am a nurse, it is what I do, what I am and that is not about to change.
Why am I writing this? I want to face this demon that haunts my life. I want things to change. I have a loving husband and family, a good job and I am a good person. I live my life with the anxiety and guilt of someone who has hidden secrets, undiscovered sins or crimes. Anxiety for me is a vicious circle, I am anxious and fearful so I procrastinate, then I worry about the tasks that I have yet to do. Sometimes I am stressed and full of panic so I drink wine to become the fearless person I want to be, but the fear returns tenfold the next day along with the guilt and anxiety from the (generally harmless) actions of that fearless me. I am writing this for myself, to remind me of day one of this journey.
I have a plan. It is just the start but it is a plan nevertheless. I have a list of tasks and this blog will hold me to those tasks, will record my successes and failures not for posterity, but for me to hold myself to account. I made a big step beginning a martial art 6 months ago which has helped me a lot, one of the friends I have met there suffers from anxiety and although I haven't disclosed my issues to her, I can see through her experiences that that it doesn't need to rule my life. These are the things that I have to do right now:
- Go to my GP and discuss these feelings. Get whatever help is available.
- Give up alcohol for now. It doesn't help and it may even make it worse.
- Make a list of things I have put off doing and prioritise them. Ticking these off will hopefully lessen my anxiety.
- Cut out caffeine.
- Make time every day for relaxation/meditation.
It is time to live my life.
